Bizarre Battle: War on High Beam Hellraisers

BARRACKVILLE, W.Va. – In a move that has surely sent shivers down the spines of hardened criminals and casual commuters alike, a Marion County Police Chief has bravely stepped forward to unmask the true demons lurking on our well paved roadways. The real problem, folks, is the “Roadside Robin Hoods.” Yes, those seemingly innocuous individuals who, with a flick of their wrist and a momentary illumination, dare to signal the presence of the fuzz chillin’ at a speed trap, smashing a bear claw, doom scrolling TicToc.

The chief, a man clearly dedicated to diving into the depths of vehicular villainy, recently took to a local news affiliate to issue a stark warning. It turns out your friendly neighborhood “Photon Philanthropists” aren’t just good Samaritans trying to save you a few bucks on a ticket. Oh no, dear reader, they are unwitting accomplices in a grander, more sinister scheme.

“While your intention may be to exercise your right to free speech and warn others of a potential fine”, the chief sagely observed, “it is essential to consider the potential consequences of your actions.” What are these dire consequences, you ask? According to the chief, that momentary flash could be aiding and abetting an entire rogue’s gallery of road-faring fiends. This includes, but is not limited to, the intoxicated joyrider, the fleeing bank robber, or even someone engaging in illicit activities. One shudders to imagine the sheer volume of illicit activities that could be facilitated by a mere blink of high beams. Perhaps an underground pepperoni roll operation would be disrupted, or clandestine single parents with far too much money in their bank accounts are escaping detection!

The chief urges us all to weigh the gravity of these potential threats against our petty desire to exercise our right to free speech. Let’s be honest: What’s a little constitutional freedom compared to the risk of a miscreant successfully evading a minor speeding infraction? The chief assures us that by refraining from these acts of vehicular defiance, we are not just being good citizens; we are actively contributing to a safer community. Indeed, you are “helping to save a life.” Imagine the headlines: “Local Man Refrains from Flashing High Beams and Prevents Global Catastrophe.”

A Blast from the Past: The Ferret Felony of ’85

Sometimes, speed traps truly do save lives! After doing some research, I found an account from 1985 in the Sacramento Times that I’d like to share. This amazing tale comes from a speed trap stop in California, as told by Sergeant Stadanko of Weed, California:

“I was working a speed trap, harder than a stripper on a Wednesday lunch shift, at the bottom of Mount Shasta on I-5. I was cleaning up; I’d already written eleven tickets totaling over $3,300 in fines. That’s usually the case when I set up in this spot, drivers just go too fast.

“Anyways, this guy was sporting an ’85 black Pontiac Fiero with hot pink racing stripes, it was a real hot number. The driver was flying down the mountain, so I lit up the cherries & berries and proceeded to catch up to him. As I was pulling him over, I could tell there was just something about him. Maybe it was the magenta windbreaker, or maybe it was the Magnum P.I. mustache, I don’t know, I just had a hunch.

“I walked up, and he’s nervous as hell. I can feel it. I ask for his license, insurance, and registration. As he’s rummaging through his glove box, I’m surveying the car for any contraband and there, on the passenger floorboard, what do I see? An albino ferret meticulously dressed in a miniature, three-piece pinstripe Armani suit, holding a tiny, unlit cigarette in its paw. It blinked slowly at me and smiled.

“The driver, clearly defeated, just sighed and said, ‘Look, officer, he’s a very particular ferret, and I was just about to sell this amphibious rodent.’ Here’s the thing, in California, it’s a felony to sell any type of albino animal. The penalty is $10,000 and three to five years in a state penitentiary. I arrested the man, and we kept the ferret as a mascot down at the station. The man was sentenced to two years in prison, and the ferret did a string of Car Insurance Ads as a spokesman, sadly he died from lung disease in ’92.”

The Moral of the Story?

Remember, not all heroes wear capes. Some write tickets to pad the budget for that new tactical ATV. For example, look at the fine folks over at the Monongah Police Department; they invested heavily in sensitivity training, and its paid dividends.

So, next time you see that tell-tale glimmer of an uncalibrated radar gun, resist the urge to save your neighbor the courtesy of a warning. Think of the poor, unsuspecting police officer and their noble pursuit of revenue generation, which would be potentially thwarted by your thoughtless act of optical altruism. The message to Barrackvillians is clear, exercising your freedom of speech should take a back seat to nickel-and-diming your friends, family, and neighbors.