About Us
Welcome to The Pepperoni Roll, the premier satirical news source serving the fine folks of Fairmont and Morgantown, West Virginia. Our mission is to bring you the most absurd, outlandish, and completely-made-up news stories from the heart of the Mountain State.
At The Pepperoni Roll, we’re not just reporting the news – we’re shaping it. And by “shaping it,” we mean making it up as we go along and then pretending it’s true. So, sit back, relax, and enjoy our brand of satire that’s guaranteed to make you laugh, cry, and question everything you thought you knew about these great cities.
Our team of intrepid journalists, all of whom are paid in pizza and conspiracy theories, scour the streets of Fairmont and Morgantown to bring you the most side-splitting, tear-jerking, and fact-free reporting imaginable. From the latest on the town’s obvious road conditions to the ongoing saga of the parking lot wars at the local Walmart, we’ve got it all covered.
Meet the Staff
Tan Dickson - Publisher
Tan Dickson, the fearless publisher of The Pepperoni Roll, West Virginia’s premier purveyor of edgy news and questionable opinions. Born in a coal mine (not really, but he likes to tell people he was), Tan emerged into the world clutching a typewriter in one hand and a rebellious spirit in the other.
Growing up in a small town where “edgy” meant swapping sweet tea for unsweetened, Tan knew he was destined for greatness—or at least some serious eyebrow raises. After a brief stint as a professional mud wrestler (don’t ask), he decided that publishing an edgy newspaper sounded slightly less messy, and thus The Pepperoni Roll was born.
Tan’s motto? “If it’s not controversial, is it even worth printing?” With a staff made up of former bail bondsmen, conspiracy theorists, and part-time poets, Tan fosters a creative environment where the only rule is, “No topic is too taboo, and no pun is too terrible!”
Residing in the scenic hills of West Virginia—between a pickle factory and a llama farm—Tan spends his days curating the absolute most outrageous news stories, all while trying to convince his neighbors that he’s just a “very dedicated journalist.” His hobbies include riding unicycles while debating politics and collecting obscure West Virginia memorabilia, including a collection of “We Love Our Potholes” bumper stickers.
With Tan at the helm, our motto remains true: If you’re not laughing, you’re probably just confused – and that’s exactly how we like it.
Seymour Skagnetti Chief-in-Staff
Seymour Skagnetti, the maestro of manuscripts, the sultan of syntax, and the emperor of eccentricity. Born in the majestic hills of Fairmont, West Virginia, Seymour was raised on a diet of moonshine, pepperoni rolls, and pulp fiction. As a child, he would sneak into the local library’s restricted section, devour forbidden tomes of avant-garde literature, and develop a taste for the bizarre.
After completing his degree in Creative Writing from the University of West Virginia Technical College (where he minored in Extreme Knitting), Seamore embarked on a career that would take him to the farthest reaches of the literary world. He began as a freelance editor, wielding his red pen like a sword and slashing through manuscripts with the ferocity of a mountain lion on a mission from God.
When not orchestrating literary masterpieces or terrorizing his writers with demands for “more cowbell,” Seamore can be found playing the accordion in his polka band, “The Fairmont Five,” or competing in extreme ironing competitions throughout the Appalachian region. He is a three-time winner of the prestigious “Golden Pencil” award and named “Fairmont’s Most Fascinating Editor” by the local Rotary Club.
Veronica Corningstone Beat Reporter
Veronica Corningstone, Morgantown’s most caffeinated chronicler, the sole beat writer for The Pepperoni Roll, she specializes in hard-hitting coverage of local squirrel politics and the ever-pressing issue of coffee shop reviews — an intricate labyrinth of frothy lattes and gluten-free pastries.
With a degree in Theoretical Insanity Studies from the University of Pheonix-Scottsdale, Beatrix believes in the power of journalism to transform the ordinary into the extraordinary. Her columns often blur the line between news and artistic expression, leaving readers questioning whether they’ve stumbled onto a literary masterpiece or just another tale of misplaced lawn gnomes.
When she’s not busy unraveling the latest gossip from the local Farmer’s Market, Veronica can be found brewing experimental espresso blends that perplex even the most seasoned baristas. With an unapologetic love for all things quirky and a deep loathing for typos, she continues to conquer her beat one meticulously crafted headline at a time — all while waging an ongoing battle against the perils of spellcheck.
Keep an eye on her column; you never know when Veronica will drop another bombshell on local events.” After all, who says small-town reporting can’t have a touch of drama?
Max Cherry Journalist
Max Cherry, once a bail bondsman, now a community journalist with a knack for turning local headlines into laugh-out-loud reads. Born and raised in the charming town of Lewisburg, WV, Max spent his early career navigating the delightful chaos of posting bail for every character this side of a true crime podcast. Seriously, if you ever wanted to know what it’s like to have a front-row seat to the shenanigans of small-town drama, Max is your guy!
Now residing in Fairmont, Max has traded his bail bonds for a typewriter (okay, it’s actually a laptop, but you get the vibe). He writes for the local paper, where he brings his unique flair for storytelling to the mundane. Whether it’s covering a bake sale gone awry or interviewing someone who claims to have the best hotdog recipe in three counties, Max’s voice is as colorful as a West Virginia sunset.
When he’s not on the hunt for a juicy scoop, you can often find him at his favorite diner, trying to figure out how many cups of coffee it takes to fuel a local journalist. Spoiler alert: it’s a lot. A proud Fairmont resident, Max is on a mission to prove that the only crimes worth reporting are the ones that involve surprisingly poor decisions and lots of laughter. After all, he’s a firm believer that every good story deserves a side of humor!
Have A Scoop on Breaking News in the Mountain State?
Do you have a burning desire to see your name in print, sandwiched between hard-hitting investigative journalism (like Veronica’s exposé on the suspiciously uniform pepperoni distribution at the local Hot Spots) and riveting restaurant reviews (did Woody’s really change the recipe again)? Then, by gum, we at The Pepperoni Roll want to hear from you! Whether you’ve witnessed a vagrant stealing an unusually large stash of pepperoni, have strong opinions on the road conditions, or simply want to complain about the lack of places to get a good burrito, send your tips, rants, and recipe revisions to our crack team of reporters. We promise to maybe, possibly, consider your submission. Fame and fortune (or at least a lukewarm gas station hot dog) await!
