Public Service Announcement
Greetings Fairmontians,
The Citizens Auxiliary Police of Pyrotechnics known more so by its acronym (CAPP) asked the Pepperoni Roll to pass on the yearly reminder for laws of detonation of fireworks within the city limits of Fairmont. Before we get started, we’ll elaborate a bit more on the origin of CAPP, allocated state funding, and mission statement.
CAPP was formed in 2024 by a group of people from Fairmont, West Virginia. They’ve been dubbed “The Fearless Three” after last year’s heroics in the streets of Fairmont. CAPP is fully masked at all times to keep anonymity for their safety. One self-appointed officer stated, “No one likes a hall monitor but it gotta be done”.
CAPP had a successful year handing out $13,341 in fines, $19,367 in seized contraband and 7 citizen’s arrests. The Snakes and Sparklers initiative caught the attention of the newly appointed governor of West Virginia and the state decided to allocate 1.2 million dollars in funding to expand CAPP’s reach to West Virginia’s more populated cities. The funding will go to the acquisition of 50 military tactical Vespa’s, surveillance equipment and bean bag guns. The cities where CAPP is enforcing the Snakes and Sparklers Initiative are Charleston, Fairmont, Huntington, Morgantown and New Martinsville.
The reason CAPP was formed was to curb illegal detonation of fireworks within city limits. The number of pets that are sent into shock due to the constant detonation of fireworks is astounding. CAPP member’s risk their life for the well-being of the cities it protects and doesn’t discriminate against who we will take down. Whether you are a 7-year kid with a roman candle or a 90-year-old grandpa with a quarter stick of dynamite we will defuse the situation, by force or other means necessary. We prefer volunteers to be in fairly good shape as you never know when you’ll have to sack a granny for lighting off a cherry bomb in an unauthorized area.
One Rule and One Rule Only
“Fireworks may only be detonated in Fairmont on the 4th of July from 9:00 P.M. to 10 P.M. EST. Unless the city’s granted permission otherwise, we will come down on you like the hammer of God”! Mike Greentree, Citizens Auxiliary Police of Pyrotechnics, Lead Detective
Fines & Jail Time
- Detonation of fireworks outside of the allowed time and date (snakes and sparklers excluded). $25 fine and fireworks confiscated.
- Detonation of a firework within a 100 feet of a pet’s home outside of the allowed time and date (snakes and sparklers excluded). $100 fine and fireworks confiscated.
- Detonation of fireworks within 100 feet of a show dog or cat’s home outside of the allowed time and date (snakes and sparklers excluded). $500 fine, fireworks confiscated, and the perpetrator will also be responsible for any costs for therapy or antidepressant associated with the terrorist attack.
- Detonation of fireworks within 100 feet of an exotic pet’s home outside of the allowed time and date (snakes and sparklers excluded). Fine imposed will depend on the hearing sensitivity test and fireworks confiscated.
- Detonation of fireworks while listening to Nickleback is prohibited at any time. $500 fine and 20 hours of community service (You get to keep your fireworks, the music’s punishment enough).
- Detonation of fireworks near a BBQ or family get together outside of the allowed time and date (snakes and sparklers excluded). $1000 fine and the two oldest people at the gathering will be arrested, booked and processed with a maximum of 10-day jail sentence.
- Resisting a citizen’s arrest could end up with the perpetrator catching a couple bean bags at 400-500 feet per second, fines, jail time, shaming in the local paper and community services.
While CAPP is self-appointed and made up in our minds, we are the law! We demand respect even though we haven’t earned it.
Where do all the funds go that are collected from CAPP?
All fines collected will be allocated to the city’s art and entertainment fund so they can produce a climate change musical. The cities create the musical to educate the public to science. While a musical might seem like a strange way to teach science, the project aims to educate viewers about the scientific method by using an innovative technique. We figured we’d combine three things West Virginia loves: Climate Change, Musicals, and Science!
Looking to make new friends? One good way is to rat out your friends to pretend police officers. If you see any type of illegal detonation of fireworks, please don’t hesitate to give us a call at 1-888-NO-CAPPS lines are on 24 hours a day from July 1st to July 7th.